Last time I wrote, I had a job.
Last time I wrote, I had some kind of direction for where I wanted my life to go.
Today I write with a new job, but an unclear direction about where I want to go. Everything is shifted, and nothing feels secure. I’ve tried to secure myself by throwing all I can into martial arts and making it my solace. But with martial arts, I feel like I don’t have a home or any real support system. If I step out there, I’m going it alone.
I thought I would stay in government, working on things that helped our nation as a whole. Instead, I find myself protecting the accounts of ordinary folks, and even moreso, the accounts of the well-heeled and oppressive corporations. I have to selectively find my security, and find my own explanations for why I do what I do.
Funny, though, that it was in closing the door on my dreams that I was faced with the state of my mental health... and possibly that in taking a detour down the road I didn’t want to take, a potential door opened to me that wouldn’t have had I stayed on my desired path. I live my life from dream to dream, and try not to hold anything too tightly lest my heart breaks.
I’ve learned what it means to close doors on possibilities that won’t work out, even though in my heart of hearts, I’m still the little kid who had seen miracles happen and still hope miracles can happen.