April 8, 2021


I was looking for a new notebook to use for teaching notes, and came across a half-used notebook from 2018. There was a lot that happened that year, and that was one of the hardest years in my recent history. In fact, the raw angst and vulnerability on the pages almost led me to throw the whole fucking book into the recycle bin, were it not for the last page I'd journaled.

I don't know why, but I feel the need to at least save this entry, should I ever change my mind and toss the journal anyway...

My ideal relationship:

  • Loyalty and consistency. Safety. The fact that I can trust him to love me, even when we're mad at each other or hurt.
  • Respect for and interest in my intellect.
  • A curiosity about the world. Someone with an open mind, who reserves judgment unless the situation calls for otherwise.
  • My priorities are his priorities... because his priorities will be mine, too.
  • Friendship. That's the foundation.
  • Passion, and a continued attempt at it.
  • Shared interest in the world, and hobbies... or really, something that we share that mutually makes us better. Something that I can say makes us stronger together.
  • Honesty and patience.

I guess I feel the need to keep this around so I know what general direction I'm looking for, should life ever feel perplexing again and discontented again. To be fair, this list was the reason why I was able to let go of my anxieties and discontent in the first place – cuz I knew I had this, even if in part. Our honesty and patience with each other have only grown since then, and we experiment and find better ways to interact with each other. Our relationship has grown more resilient via hard conversations and quiet contentment.

I cherish the quiet moments where we listen to a podcast together and chat about it. I also cherish our times apart. Funny enough, I appreciate that his priorities aren't always my priorities. For example, I could care less about some of the things he takes interest in, and his vested interest and attention on those matters means that I don't have to care unless it's really important. And then he can explain to me why it's important.. cuz you know if I were single, I'd probably not give a shit, and that would be detrimental.

That entry ends with this...

What I want in life: to do good work; something bigger than me. To nurture the friendships that share in sorrow and joy. Adventures and stories to tell.
Dear self, promise me this: regardless of what happens, promise me you will never compromise your values out of fear or dread of loss. Promise to always hold true to reality, to hang on to logic and rationality, and to get help when you need it. Promise to persevere when you must, and to let go when you must.