I've had so many good conversations with friends lately – and a super disappointing one with someone I thought I would be partnering with, but who turned out to be more self-centered and disagreeable than I'd ever want to work with. And frankly, that's OK. I am not bothered by it, even though I laugh silently that he thinks he's shown me up in some way.
The theme of this season has been to choose. I'd been living too long in a state of openness and possibilities, not wanting to close the door to anything. And all of life has reminded me, that making a choice is ultimately closing the door on all other choices... at least for now.
Recently, I've had friends and acquaintances who've supported and advised me in some relevant, incredibly significant ways. Maybe it's my lack of sleep*, but it made me cry. "I have no doubt you have the talent and capabilities to do whatever you want to do," said a friend/former coworker as we shared bites of burger bowls. (Covid is over, right?) "You just have to choose it, for God's sake."
* As an aside: I've discovered a neat trick to determining whether I'm overtraining. If I take a night off of training and find that I perform way better than I've had for a while, I've probably needed that time of rest.
Anyway. Fuck off to those who don't believe in me, or who didn't believe in me, or whose belief in me belie their selfish desire to use me for their own personal gain. I can read you – and I play the overly nice demeanor for useful reasons of my own.
I think back to the start of 2020, when the world started shutting down. And all the things that I wanted then? They are just small beans now, because I was still hoping for pies in the sky. Hope has landed, of late, and I'm here to build a life into being.